I give up.

2009 was a total bust.

We didn't sell our condo, and therefore couldn't buy a house.

We didn't pay off as much debt as we'd planned for.

And of course, we didn't conceive a baby.

That's right, my friends, the tests were negative. And yeah, I said tests. I used a regular FRER last night and a FR digital this morning. Both were BFFN.

Now, I'd like to know what the hell is up with the symptoms. I swear I thought I ovulated. I know I can't KNOW, but truthfully, this was the first cycle that I had a real feeling about it.

I've been pumping my body so full of pharmaceuticals that I don't even feel like a human being anymore. From prenatal vitamins to all kinds of other supplements, and metformin and provera and most recently the clomid, I just can't keep track of it all anymore. Nothing seems to be working anyway. Add in chiropractic and massage therapy, exercise and diet and I should have a whole little brood of children by now. I'm a healthy 30 year old for heaven's sake.

Okay, so in the beginning of this whole ordeal, I stopped BCP's. That's how it all works, right? Stop preventing, get pregnant, have a baby. Yeah, sure. Anyway, so I stopped the BCP's. But I guess there's some backstory.

I was overweight in high school. I was uncomfortably shy and hated all things sports related because in high school people are notorious for picking on the chubby kids. I continued to be overweight my freshman year of college too. Then I came to a realization that I didn't want to be overweight anymore. I lost 50lbs over the summer, and continued to lose weight into my sophomore year. At the start of my junior year, I started to worry my friends because I had lost, well I forget the actual poundage but it was probably about 75 lbs, a lot of weight to the point that I really needed to not lose any more. I barely ate anything and really felt fine eating cereal, salad and rice cakes. And dessert. I ate some kind of dessert every.single.day so don't go thinking I was anorexic or anything, because I can assure you I wasn't. I was just busy as college students are. 18-20 credits a semester, plus glee club, working and working out I didn't have a lot of extra time on my hands for things like sleeping and eating. But I looked good, and I was happy with that. I maintained my weight loss for several years. I got into a very comfortable relationship right out of college and during that time managed to gain something crazy like 60lbs. After the heartbreak of a relationship end, I let myself live that way for almost 2 years before joining a gym and finally losing the weight again. Then I met Mr. FEO, had a breast reduction and was loving life.

I was taking birth control of some kind for almost 10 years. I had a pill that I was very happy with and that had no side effects at all (it was Estrostep for anyone who wonders), and in February 2008 my pharmacy started to carry on the generic for my BCP's and they switched me over since my doctor didn't write the script to fill as written anyway. I figured it would be fine. I was so wrong. I experienced a horrible combination of side effects, from some increase in my breast size (I'd had a reduction, so this SUCKED big time), to defininte unwanted weight gain. Despite sticking to the same diet and exercise plan I'd been on for a couple of years at this point, I was no longer maintaining...I was gaining weight back. I took some crazy weight loss medication that my doctor prescribed for me prior to my wedding and was able to lose 20 of the 30lbs I gained. Then I stopped my birth control pills and all hell broke loose with my body.

I am now 60lbs heavier than I used to be. Now, I'm not huge or anything, but I am NOT comfortable with this. It doesn't help that Provera forces weight gain, and I think other combinations of supplements have a similar effect.

I follow a strict diet. I don't eat refined sugars or flours, I don't intake more than 1600 calories a day.

I don't work out as often as I did before, but I still manage 2 hours a week.

SOOOO, something's gotta give.

I clearly can't get pregnant like this, so I suppose it's a good thing I got a BFN this morning. I need to get control of this yo-yo of a weight I've been dealing with since high school.

I am not insulin resistant, I don't have heart trouble or any other medical conditions, besides the PCOS.

So Mr. FEO and I have a new plan, as far as our health, weight and TTC are concerned.

January, February and March will be no excuses, weight loss months for both of us. I need to lose 60 lbs (obviously not in 3 months) and he wants to lose 30 lbs (probably really only needs to lose 10, but he wants to get back to his marathon running weight). So in the next 3 months, we both want to lose 30 lbs.

It can be done. I lost 60 lbs in 4 months in 2006. I wasn't dealing with PCOS bullshit back then, but regardless, I'm not letting it stop me from this.

We will not be preventing pregnancy during this time, but we will not be taking any extra measures.

I will not stop the metformin, and will take provera if I need it to induce AF, but I may let my cycles go longer again for these next 3 months.

I don't like this plan. I really don't. I want to be pregnant yesterday, last week, last month, last December. But that didn't happen.

I have to move forward and look to the future for success.

I'm optimistic and hopeful. And keeping all fingers crossed that this plan works.

Love to all, HAPPY 2010!!!

Nervous.

I have phantom symptoms again. I always do, every cycle, without fail.

I suppose they could be real symptoms this time ... moreso than any other time, considering that I took Clomid this cycle and had definite symptoms of ovulation. But I didn't temp and I opted out of mid-cycle ultrasounds because my insurance won't pay. So I obviously don't know for sure. If I had to guess, I O'd sometime between CD 18-20. So our timing may not have been perfect, but not too bad considering how much Mr. FEO was gone this cycle for work.

So, I'm testing tomorrow. On New Year's Eve. Crazy, maybe. But it's day 35, and per my doctor the day I should test when I'm not temping.

What are my phantom symptoms this time, you ask?

1. I'm exhausted. As in, can barely keep my eyes open most of the day. Last night, I fell asleep at 9pm on the couch and Mr. FEO had to help me to bed. I normally go to bed at 11pm or later, but this week that's just impossible. Then this morning, I woke up feeling as though I hadn't slept at all.

2. Mild cramping and mild backache.

3. Some bloating and it's gotten uncomfortable since yesterday.

4. Sporadic pain in my breasts. This is always a weird one for me because of my reduction 3 years ago.

5. Headache. I thought this was because of being tired, or maybe because I needed coffee, but the coffee didn't help the tired or the headache.

6. Thirst. I'm parched. As a result, I'm drinking a ton of water but can't seem to get enough.

7. I get nauseous after I eat. Not always and sometimes worse than others. This could be because of the metformin still, although it's hard to tell. I get full faster.

8. DIZZY. I'm lightheaded a lot, especially in the afternoons, and after eating.

I don't know, I haven't had any indication of AF showing up, but this could all be symptomatic of that as well.

I guess I'll know tomorrow one way or the other.

And not that you can make my body do anything in particular, but some good thoughts for double lines on that test in the morning would be happily accepted.

Have a good day!!

We need a miracle.

Let me start by saying that I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE mandatory overtime.

Mr. FEO left for work on Saturday morning, and was supposed to come home on Sunday morning ... it was just supposed to be a regular 24 hour shift. I'm used to that. He works a 24 hour shift every other day (3 out of 5) and then has 4 days off. So he was also supposed to be on duty today. But Sunday was supposed to be OUR day at home. Until he called me at 7:15am to tell me that he wasn't going to be coming home because someone called in sick and they needed him (and another guy from his shift who was supposed to be going home to his wife also) to stay for another 24 hours. Which combined with today's 24 hour shift means that he will be gone for 72 hours .... AGAIN. He worked a 72 hour shift last weekend too, and was gone Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

As a reward for Mr. FEO being honored as Instructor of the Year, I purchased 2 tickets to the movie theater to see the Dave Matthews in 3D. I didn't tell him I bought the tickets ... though he does know now, because I had to tell him why I was upset. Luckily, the very kind and understanding cashier at the AMC offered to refund my money onto a gift card, so we can go anytime to see a show. Problem is, Mr. FEO loves DMB and this was the only weekend that it was showing :( I was so excited about this gift!!

Additionally, many know that this was our first Clomid cycle in our TTC journey. We planned it out so that my O day would be when we were home together to have some sexy time. Sadly, I'm fairly certain (as certain as you can be when you only track CM and not temps) that I O'd sometime yesterday or during the night. It would have been perfect actually because he was supposed to be home on Sunday.

Now, we did do the deed late on Friday night ... but was it enough? Are those swimmers super strong? I don't know. They'd be 2 days old by then ... and what if the O was actually sometime this morning? Then we're looking at 3 day old swimmers .... and that would really take a miracle, which is why I'm asking for one.

Timing is always going to be an issue for us because of his schedule, but this weekend really just sucked because it was supposed to be perfect. I mean, I know we still only have a 20% chance of conception ... but we had a CHANCE. The first chance we've ever had, and I feel like it was such a waste. I know it's not over until AF shows, but really, I'm just so disappointed. The movies, the probable O ... oh yes, and the 2 pregnancies announced at work this morning.

I just can't win.

My lower back is freaking killing me ... I can barely stand up without pain. I did it to myself though. To wallow in my sorrows, I ate an entire (small) bag of Totinos pizza rolls last night. I didn't eat all day, and that was the only thing that sounded remotely tasty. For me, metformin + pizza = bad news in the bathroom. ... and I'm at work, suffering from depression about the other pregnancies, having a horrible dehydration backache and probably O'd on a day that Mr. FEO was at work.

I am obviously having a terrible Monday. If you feel like crossing any appendages that Friday's swimmers were strong enough ... please and thank you :)

Love to all ...