I give up.

2009 was a total bust.

We didn't sell our condo, and therefore couldn't buy a house.

We didn't pay off as much debt as we'd planned for.

And of course, we didn't conceive a baby.

That's right, my friends, the tests were negative. And yeah, I said tests. I used a regular FRER last night and a FR digital this morning. Both were BFFN.

Now, I'd like to know what the hell is up with the symptoms. I swear I thought I ovulated. I know I can't KNOW, but truthfully, this was the first cycle that I had a real feeling about it.

I've been pumping my body so full of pharmaceuticals that I don't even feel like a human being anymore. From prenatal vitamins to all kinds of other supplements, and metformin and provera and most recently the clomid, I just can't keep track of it all anymore. Nothing seems to be working anyway. Add in chiropractic and massage therapy, exercise and diet and I should have a whole little brood of children by now. I'm a healthy 30 year old for heaven's sake.

Okay, so in the beginning of this whole ordeal, I stopped BCP's. That's how it all works, right? Stop preventing, get pregnant, have a baby. Yeah, sure. Anyway, so I stopped the BCP's. But I guess there's some backstory.

I was overweight in high school. I was uncomfortably shy and hated all things sports related because in high school people are notorious for picking on the chubby kids. I continued to be overweight my freshman year of college too. Then I came to a realization that I didn't want to be overweight anymore. I lost 50lbs over the summer, and continued to lose weight into my sophomore year. At the start of my junior year, I started to worry my friends because I had lost, well I forget the actual poundage but it was probably about 75 lbs, a lot of weight to the point that I really needed to not lose any more. I barely ate anything and really felt fine eating cereal, salad and rice cakes. And dessert. I ate some kind of dessert every.single.day so don't go thinking I was anorexic or anything, because I can assure you I wasn't. I was just busy as college students are. 18-20 credits a semester, plus glee club, working and working out I didn't have a lot of extra time on my hands for things like sleeping and eating. But I looked good, and I was happy with that. I maintained my weight loss for several years. I got into a very comfortable relationship right out of college and during that time managed to gain something crazy like 60lbs. After the heartbreak of a relationship end, I let myself live that way for almost 2 years before joining a gym and finally losing the weight again. Then I met Mr. FEO, had a breast reduction and was loving life.

I was taking birth control of some kind for almost 10 years. I had a pill that I was very happy with and that had no side effects at all (it was Estrostep for anyone who wonders), and in February 2008 my pharmacy started to carry on the generic for my BCP's and they switched me over since my doctor didn't write the script to fill as written anyway. I figured it would be fine. I was so wrong. I experienced a horrible combination of side effects, from some increase in my breast size (I'd had a reduction, so this SUCKED big time), to defininte unwanted weight gain. Despite sticking to the same diet and exercise plan I'd been on for a couple of years at this point, I was no longer maintaining...I was gaining weight back. I took some crazy weight loss medication that my doctor prescribed for me prior to my wedding and was able to lose 20 of the 30lbs I gained. Then I stopped my birth control pills and all hell broke loose with my body.

I am now 60lbs heavier than I used to be. Now, I'm not huge or anything, but I am NOT comfortable with this. It doesn't help that Provera forces weight gain, and I think other combinations of supplements have a similar effect.

I follow a strict diet. I don't eat refined sugars or flours, I don't intake more than 1600 calories a day.

I don't work out as often as I did before, but I still manage 2 hours a week.

SOOOO, something's gotta give.

I clearly can't get pregnant like this, so I suppose it's a good thing I got a BFN this morning. I need to get control of this yo-yo of a weight I've been dealing with since high school.

I am not insulin resistant, I don't have heart trouble or any other medical conditions, besides the PCOS.

So Mr. FEO and I have a new plan, as far as our health, weight and TTC are concerned.

January, February and March will be no excuses, weight loss months for both of us. I need to lose 60 lbs (obviously not in 3 months) and he wants to lose 30 lbs (probably really only needs to lose 10, but he wants to get back to his marathon running weight). So in the next 3 months, we both want to lose 30 lbs.

It can be done. I lost 60 lbs in 4 months in 2006. I wasn't dealing with PCOS bullshit back then, but regardless, I'm not letting it stop me from this.

We will not be preventing pregnancy during this time, but we will not be taking any extra measures.

I will not stop the metformin, and will take provera if I need it to induce AF, but I may let my cycles go longer again for these next 3 months.

I don't like this plan. I really don't. I want to be pregnant yesterday, last week, last month, last December. But that didn't happen.

I have to move forward and look to the future for success.

I'm optimistic and hopeful. And keeping all fingers crossed that this plan works.

Love to all, HAPPY 2010!!!

Nervous.

I have phantom symptoms again. I always do, every cycle, without fail.

I suppose they could be real symptoms this time ... moreso than any other time, considering that I took Clomid this cycle and had definite symptoms of ovulation. But I didn't temp and I opted out of mid-cycle ultrasounds because my insurance won't pay. So I obviously don't know for sure. If I had to guess, I O'd sometime between CD 18-20. So our timing may not have been perfect, but not too bad considering how much Mr. FEO was gone this cycle for work.

So, I'm testing tomorrow. On New Year's Eve. Crazy, maybe. But it's day 35, and per my doctor the day I should test when I'm not temping.

What are my phantom symptoms this time, you ask?

1. I'm exhausted. As in, can barely keep my eyes open most of the day. Last night, I fell asleep at 9pm on the couch and Mr. FEO had to help me to bed. I normally go to bed at 11pm or later, but this week that's just impossible. Then this morning, I woke up feeling as though I hadn't slept at all.

2. Mild cramping and mild backache.

3. Some bloating and it's gotten uncomfortable since yesterday.

4. Sporadic pain in my breasts. This is always a weird one for me because of my reduction 3 years ago.

5. Headache. I thought this was because of being tired, or maybe because I needed coffee, but the coffee didn't help the tired or the headache.

6. Thirst. I'm parched. As a result, I'm drinking a ton of water but can't seem to get enough.

7. I get nauseous after I eat. Not always and sometimes worse than others. This could be because of the metformin still, although it's hard to tell. I get full faster.

8. DIZZY. I'm lightheaded a lot, especially in the afternoons, and after eating.

I don't know, I haven't had any indication of AF showing up, but this could all be symptomatic of that as well.

I guess I'll know tomorrow one way or the other.

And not that you can make my body do anything in particular, but some good thoughts for double lines on that test in the morning would be happily accepted.

Have a good day!!

We need a miracle.

Let me start by saying that I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE mandatory overtime.

Mr. FEO left for work on Saturday morning, and was supposed to come home on Sunday morning ... it was just supposed to be a regular 24 hour shift. I'm used to that. He works a 24 hour shift every other day (3 out of 5) and then has 4 days off. So he was also supposed to be on duty today. But Sunday was supposed to be OUR day at home. Until he called me at 7:15am to tell me that he wasn't going to be coming home because someone called in sick and they needed him (and another guy from his shift who was supposed to be going home to his wife also) to stay for another 24 hours. Which combined with today's 24 hour shift means that he will be gone for 72 hours .... AGAIN. He worked a 72 hour shift last weekend too, and was gone Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

As a reward for Mr. FEO being honored as Instructor of the Year, I purchased 2 tickets to the movie theater to see the Dave Matthews in 3D. I didn't tell him I bought the tickets ... though he does know now, because I had to tell him why I was upset. Luckily, the very kind and understanding cashier at the AMC offered to refund my money onto a gift card, so we can go anytime to see a show. Problem is, Mr. FEO loves DMB and this was the only weekend that it was showing :( I was so excited about this gift!!

Additionally, many know that this was our first Clomid cycle in our TTC journey. We planned it out so that my O day would be when we were home together to have some sexy time. Sadly, I'm fairly certain (as certain as you can be when you only track CM and not temps) that I O'd sometime yesterday or during the night. It would have been perfect actually because he was supposed to be home on Sunday.

Now, we did do the deed late on Friday night ... but was it enough? Are those swimmers super strong? I don't know. They'd be 2 days old by then ... and what if the O was actually sometime this morning? Then we're looking at 3 day old swimmers .... and that would really take a miracle, which is why I'm asking for one.

Timing is always going to be an issue for us because of his schedule, but this weekend really just sucked because it was supposed to be perfect. I mean, I know we still only have a 20% chance of conception ... but we had a CHANCE. The first chance we've ever had, and I feel like it was such a waste. I know it's not over until AF shows, but really, I'm just so disappointed. The movies, the probable O ... oh yes, and the 2 pregnancies announced at work this morning.

I just can't win.

My lower back is freaking killing me ... I can barely stand up without pain. I did it to myself though. To wallow in my sorrows, I ate an entire (small) bag of Totinos pizza rolls last night. I didn't eat all day, and that was the only thing that sounded remotely tasty. For me, metformin + pizza = bad news in the bathroom. ... and I'm at work, suffering from depression about the other pregnancies, having a horrible dehydration backache and probably O'd on a day that Mr. FEO was at work.

I am obviously having a terrible Monday. If you feel like crossing any appendages that Friday's swimmers were strong enough ... please and thank you :)

Love to all ...

PROUD FIREWIFE!!

I'm always amazed and proud of my husband.

Yes, I get annoyed when the phone rings for overtime at 2am or 6am or at any time during the day when we're spending time together. Yes, it often infuriates me when he is stuck working holidays and weekends. It's hard when he's teaching at the college every Tuesday and Thursday night and all day on Saturdays whenever he's not at the station.

Today, we got some AMAZING news. It makes it all worth it.

Mr. FEO is the Instructor of the Year for the county fire academy!!!
This is the biggest honor that an instructor can receive, and his name will be permanently on a plaque at the college.

I haven't stopped smiling since he called from work to tell me the news, and to tell me that I have to take the day off on December 11 for the banquet that starts at 8am.

The banquet is formal. He'll wear his dress uniform (HOT!!) and I have an excuse to go buy a new dress. The banquet also starts at 8am and is a breakfast. I am taking the day off work, but wow ... that just seems strange to me, but it'll be fun regardless - and I get a long weekend out of it!

So yes, I'm always amazed and proud of my husband. He does a job that many couldn't do. He doesn't get the respect that he deserves by the residents of the city he works in. He calls himself a "dumb fireman" ... and he is obviously anything but!

So today I'm not only amazed and proud, I'm thrilled that Mr. FEO is getting the recognition that he has worked so hard for.

CONGRATULATIONS my love, I'm so excited for you!!

Irritability at it's finest.

Today is Provera Day 5. Just 5 more days of this wicked drug, and thank goodness!

I've been doing a pretty decent job the last few days with controlling my moods and keeping the irritability in check. It's all about having a positive attitude, really. But this morning when I got to work, I almost had a fit of rage because my coworker in the next cube was typing loudly. ???? Really ???? Why the heck did that bother me so much to trigger such a violent reaction? I was literally shaking in my cube trying not to say anything. All I could hear was CLACK CLACK CLACK, SLAM SLAM SLAM. And now that he's not there, even the sound of my own keyboard is bugging me. That SOUND is just obnoxious. This is not a normal reaction by any stretch of the imagination and I can think of little else. What is wrong with me?

I hate taking Provera for just these types of reasons. I find myself lashing out at Mr. FEO, yelling at the furkids, in general becoming antisocial and just plain mean. It is such a challenge because I really am a nice person and generally very tolerant, especially at work. I'm not any fun to be around when I get in moods like this, and I just don't know what else to do. I thought I was doing so good this time with the drug-induced meanness, but this morning it just hit full force.

Add that to the fact that my entire body feels bloated today, I have a headache and I feel like I haven't slept in a week.

Today is clearly not going to be a good day. I am so glad it's Friday, and I have a 3 day weekend.

Mr. FEO had an SA and....

...all NORMAL!!!

I pretty much did a jig at my desk at work today as I read the email from my doctor. I mean, it's one thing to deal with ....ouch.... infertility on my end because of the PCOS, but a definite relief to know that the swimmers are all A-OK!

I started the Provera yesterday and it's been making me pretty sick this time, what with nausea, bloating, insatiable hunger and a wicked cruel headache. But in 9 days or so AF will be here and then 5 days after that ... CLOMID. I know there will be side effects there too, but I'm thrilled to pieces to be given something that might promote my ovaries to do their job and release an egg for those healthy swimmers to attack with a vengence!!

Ah well, despite the irritability that often comes with progesterone, I'm in a good mood tonight :)

Opportunities arise, and for the first time in 10 months, I have some hope again!

Green Bean & Chicken Casserole

Okay, I know this isn't a food blog, and I've never posted recipes here. In fact, I deleted the food blog I used to have because we just don't cook often enough. I also didn't take a picture because I never intended to blog about it...

But now I have to RAVE about the casserole we made last night.

It's a spin on the holiday classic green bean casserole, so if you don't like that then you won't like this ... but for all of you who are lovers of those green beans like me, then this is for you!!

Mr. and Mrs. FEO's Green Bean & Chicken Casserole

Ingredients:
1 family size bag of frozen cut green beans
4 cans of condensed cream of celery soup
3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 large can of french fried onions

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350*
2. Dice chicken breasts into small cubes and season as desired (we use garlic pepper)
3. Drizzle a small amount of extra-virgin olive oil into a large skillet and brown the seasoned chicken cubes (they don't have to cook all the way through, but most of the way is a good idea)
4. Mix the cans of celery soup, green beans and cooked chicken in a large bowl and then transfer into a large casserole dish.
5. Top with the entire can of french fried onions (we like the crunchy!)
6. Bake for 1 hour.

It's really easy, and really tasty! If you're looking for something unique to share with your family this holiday season, then this is great! You could substitute cream of mushroom soup instead of the cream of celery, but we hate mushrooms so that wasn't an option for us!

ENJOY!!

First Anniversaries and 30th Birthdays

I have to say, the months of September and October came and went in the blink of an eye. In reality, the entire last year went by so quickly, I can hardly believe it happened.

I first want to pay tribute to the most amazing, wonderful man I know ... my husband, Mr. FEO. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Our first year of marriage, and our 3rd year together as a couple was amazing in every possible way. They (whoever "they" is) say that the first year of marriage is the hardest ... I argue that and say it's the best! We were so stressed out leading up to the wedding, that it could only get better - and it did!

In remembrance of that day, September 27, 2008, here is the link to our wedding video highlight reel, and some pictures that show just how fun that day was!

Watch our video HERE!

Some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for: Magda, Kristine, Karen and Letizia - I love you all!

And those handsome men in my life: Franco, Steve, Mr. FEO, Matt and Scott - you make life complete :)

Really cool Bridal Party shot out on the golf course!

And last, but not least, a couple of pics of Mr. and Mrs. FEO:

Following our anniversary was a week long vacation in Virginia Beach .... where I celebrated my 30th birthday in grand fashion (haha) by falling down the stairs because someone else spilled beer and gave myself quite the concussion. I'm sure that drowning my sorrow at saying goodbye to my 20's with 3/4 of a liter of wine by myself was partly to blame. Nevertheless, it was a great vacation, and I can't wait to go back next year for Tim and Karen's wedding!! Still so happy for them getting engaged while we were on vacation!

And a few other updates:

The house fell through ... and it's not the best time for us to buy anyway, so it's okay. We're still in love with it, and if they would have ever called us back we would have made on offer on the spot.

I'm still not pregnant, and I still haven't ovulated. I got another BFN this morning. Yet, I'm once again getting phantom symptoms. I wish I could say that I'm immune to BFN's at this point, but I'm definitely not. This time though, I have heavy, sore breasts, bloating, lower back pain and extreme fatigue, along with some mild nausea. Maybe it was just too soon ... but I say that every time. I will take another test next Monday (11/9) before I head to my next OB appt, to discuss Clomid options.

All in all, it's been a hectic few weeks, and I apologize for the lack of updates before now!

Have a great week, my friends!!

Go Green, Go White! Let's Go State!

In preparation for the coming cold weather games that are sure to be a part of our season ... I made a blanket to take to the games with us! I'm quite proud of it!

Instructions on how to make this simple blanket:

(note: I made this one larger than most)

• Purchase 3 yards each of two different fleeces. (normally 2 yards is plenty for a throw blanket)
• Line up the pieces, pattern sides out on a large, flat surface.
• Trim the pieces so they are the same size.
• Cut a square out of each corner (I usually do the length of my scissor blades, so about 3 inches).
• Cut 1 inch wide strips all the way around.
• Tie each of the strips in a double knot (thus tying the two pieces of fleece together).

You're done!!! See, I told you it was simple. :)

Now we have a delightful way to keep us warm at the games this fall. I'm so excited!

We fell in LOVE last night ...

With a HOUSE. A 2100 sq foot historic home that was built in 1880. The current owners have fixed it up and I don't have a new picture because I didn't think to take one ... but this is the before picture I found online:

It's narrow, but deep. We heard that it has 2 bedrooms plus a master suite, living AND family room and a formal dining room. The wooden siding has been replaced with aluminum, the garage matches the house, there's a new front door, french doors in the back, a beautiful patio in the back, the porch has been re-done, the lot is extremely deep and my BFF and her husband bought the house 3 doors down. It's only about 4 miles north of where we were wanting to move anyway, and it's close to an expressway ... so no big deal :)

The hubby is going to go over there this week and look around the inside. It would be a perfect permanent home for us! I'm giddy just thinking about it.

Now, the selling or renting of our condo IS an issue ... but this gorgeous house is going on the market in 2 weeks and an earnest money check of just $1000 will hold it for us .... oh boy!!!!

Keep us in your thoughts, because I think we really are going to try to make a move on this!!

In about 11 days ...

Cycle #4 will commence, thanks to the progesterone I'm starting today.

I am SO tired of all this. I'm tired of thinking AF is coming, when it's not. I'm tired of thinking I might be pregnant, when I'm not. I'm tired of spending pointless money on HPT's. (at least I had a $3 off coupon for EPT's this week and got a 3 pack for $10). I'm tired of phantom symtoms: the sore boobs, the cramps, the bloating, the cravings and especially the breakouts. I hate taking medication on a daily basis. I hate checking my CM. I refuse to take my temperature, but I don't want to spend the money on OPK's either. I thought this was supposed to be easy - have unprotected sex = get pregnant. At least that's what they teach in school. To think that I spent all that money on BCP's for all those years and I didn't even need them.

The hubby and I talked and we are willing to do anything we can to become pregnant, but if it comes down to it and we can't get pregnant with our own child ... we will not be adopting. I know, I know ... but there are so many kids out there who need a home, right? Well ... I guess we're just selfish like that, and if we can't have our own child, we'd rather not. Yes, I'm starting to reach that bitter stage ... it's going on 7 months and I haven't O'd. Not once. Is it so much to ask????

I just hope that some miracle of fertility treatment will help us at least have a chance. Two more metformin only cycles, then my doctor wants us to move onto clomid ... We'll see what happens. I'm going to be hopeful that something in the next 5 cycles happens because that will be over a year of this trying thing!!

And the one good thing, I guess ... I'm having drinks with some friends this afternoon, planning on enjoying a lovely bottle of champagne on our anniversary in 3 weeks, and hell maybe I'll get nice and drunk on my 30th birthday in a month.

Happy Labor Day!

I have the worst sweet tooth in America!

All I want to do today is eat JUNK.

Not just any junk. I'd prefer to simply eat chocolate and more chocolate. It really is a drug, isn't it?

The amazing hubby made delicious enchiladas with ground turkey, black beans and red onion with TONS of yummy cheese last night, and of course I brought one with me for lunch today. I ate about 2/3 of it, but then I couldn't stand to eat any more. What is wrong with me?!

Instead, I went into my boss's office and grabbed a fun size bag of m&m's and ate those. Now I want MORE! Ugh ... it's all I can wrap my head around right now.

Someone stop me!!

The joy of Social Security.

For those of you that don't already know, I work as a claims representative at a local Social Security office. Once a week or so we all rotate working the front end reception area. Today is one of those days that I'm wearing the receptionist hat. This means that despite my education, the customers assume I'm little more than a high school graduate - if that - and treat me like I'm scum of the earth. Oh wait, isn't that most of my clientele? (Did I say that out loud .... oops!)

So here's a summary of my interaction with one such customer:


1. Why in the world would you laminate your child's SSN card? It plainly says NOT to laminate it, right on the back of the card.

2. When I tell you I can issue a replacement since the laminated one is not valid, why would you argue me?

3. Furthermore, why would you sign your child's name on the card? That's forgery and not legal. I know a 5 year old didn't write cursive and sign their own name.

4. When I ask for photo ID and you hand me one that's been expired for 3 years, why would you tell me it's valid? I can read the date and it says 2006.

5. Why would you tell me I'm treating you poorly and being rude when I tell you what I want to do to help you correct this problem?

Sometimes I really want to shake people.

So a word to all of my e-friends, friends and any other readers - when you have a child and you request their SSN card, do not sign it for them and do not laminate the card. I understand that they are made of paper, but since you aren't supposed to carry it around with you anyway - remember about identity theft? - it shouldn't be a problem. The SSN card should remain unsigned until the child is applying for his/her first job.

And please, when you go to the Social Security Office, it is appreciated when you are kind to the receptionists.

Thank you!!!

New Design!

What do you think? Is my new blog layout and design a keeper?

I was bored tonight while the hubby is at the station ... so I spent a bit of time and made it a bit jazzier.

I like it ... but it's YOUR opinions that matter!

I love him!!

My husband is an amazing guy.

Sometimes I might forget to say how kind and caring he is ... sometimes life just goes by with all the menial tasks we have to complete. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, work, working out ... those day to day things that have to get done and sometimes we get so wrapped up in them that we forget to acknowledge the love that brought us together in the first place, other than a quick "I love you" and a kiss as we run out the door for one thing or another.

We always celebrated the anniversary of our first date (3 years ago today, actually) ... but I thought that once we were married (11 months ago yesterday!) that our wedding anniversary superceded the dating anniversary. So this morning as we were both rushing around getting ready for work, me for 9 hours and him for 24, I gave him a big hug and said "I've loved you for 3 years!" ... and he just smiled and said the same.

I got to work, grabbed my breakfast out of my bag and saw a white envelope that I know wasn't there before.

He slipped a little love card in my bag this morning when I wasn't looking. Not so much to celebrate a dating anniversary, but to let me know that he loves me. A random (or not so random) act of kindness on a Friday. It's a great way to end the week.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

When I met my husband <3

Three years ago today was a regular Thursday at work. I was dressed on the casual side, but toward the end of the day I changed into a fancy black skirt and cute black and tan striped short-sleeved sweater. I fixed my hair a little (as much as you can fix hair that was in a bun all day) by changing out the band to a black one. A coworker asked what I was doing. I told her that I was heading to the rehearsal dinner for my friend's wedding, since I was a bridesmaid. She told me I should put on some better mascara and a little bit of makeup, because "you never know who you might meet". I remember thinking she was crazy - I was actually happily single, sick of the online dating and definitely tired of the bar scene (I was 26 and really just enjoying my "me time"). But I did add some fresh mascara and lip gloss.

Fast forward to the rehearsal at the chapel ... I noticed there was one groomsman in particular that was looking at me from across the way. I smiled. So did he.

We went to the dinner and I sat with my best friend (another bridesmaid) and we were just chatting and hanging out. This groomsman who smiled at me was sitting at the end of the table, on the other side of my best friend. Those blue eyes!!! Yeah, okay, I was attracted. The groom's parents were sitting across from me, and I remember thinking that they were so nice and funny. Then I heard Mr. Blue Eyes call them Mom and Dad. WHAT?! My friend's almost-husband has a brother??? And she never told me? Small talk and introductions. Sarah meet Aron, Aron meet Sarah. I suddenly couldn't wait for the wedding on Saturday to get to know this guy a little bit more.

I got a call the next night from the bride saying that I better save a dance for her future brother-in-law because apparently he couldn't stop talking about me to his brother, who of course told her. I was shocked. Really ... he's interested in me too? WOW!

We were inseparable at the wedding. We went on our first date two days later, on Monday. We went to the gym and to Max & Erma's for dinner. Three weeks later I was telling people we were going to get married someday. In March we moved in together. In May we were engaged. And now we've been married nearly a year.

All thanks to a coworker, on a random Thursday at work who told me to put on some mascara.

Negative.

I have no other words today.

Hubs and I are going to Chipotle and Coldstone to go into diabetic comas. At least I take metformin. HAHA.

Have a great weekend!

Nervous, I'm not going to lie...

I'm going to take a pregnancy test in the morning.

Yeah, yeah ... so what you say ... you've been down this road before, taken lots of pregnancy tests.

True enough, but never has there really been a (tiny, miniscule) hope that it might actually come up with a second line on there. Pregnant. Sometimes I can hardly believe that we are trying to expand our little family. I'll freely admit that sitting here, the night before possibly finding out that our lives will be changing forever, that I'm a little, or maybe a lot, freaked out by that. I mean, it's a good thing, don't get me wrong ... but what a huge good thing it is, know what I mean?

But why get worked up about it? Odds are, I am not pregnant since my past cycles have indicated that I didn't ovulate. I guess that worries me more than anything. We want to have kids, but what if we simply can't? I know there is the option of adoption, but a selfish part of me wants to say that if I can't have one of our own, I don't want to have one at all. (I told you it was the selfish part of me and this is my blog so I'm saying it). But I'm sure that if it came down to it, we would cross that bridge.

So if tomorrow morning's test is a BFN, I will wait one week and test again on cd35. If that test is also a BFN, it's onto another round of progesterone and another new cycle. This will continue for September and October. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor the first week in November, and if I'm not pregnant by then we're going to discuss Clomid and other options beyond that. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Hey, I do have plenty of phantom symptoms after all.
Adding to the list today:

Holy major hot flash at work ... I got SO overheated this afternoon after lunch.

My lunch didn't sit well (huh, big surprise there - though the same pizza was fine last night and the whole wheat pasta I ate tonight is seeming to be fine as well --- if I am pregnant, then this phantom baby definitely likes the Italian side of me - haha).

The cramping continues. I've had mild pressure-ish cramps for about a week now. Sometimes more than others. I thought for sure AF was coming earlier this week and kept running to the bathroom to check. But, no ... not yet.

Well regardless ... here's to tomorrow!

CHEERS! (because yeah, it might be my last glass of wine for a long while!)

Man, I hate (phantom) symptoms.

I'm 10dpo. Or so. Or maybe not. I don't know. I've never ovulated, but for some reason I think I may have this time. We had great timing. I can't help but thing ... hey, I might be pregnant for real this time.

I had bloodwork done on cd3 this cycle, and it all came back WELL WITHIN the normal ranges. I was ecstatic when I saw the results online and even more so when I met with the doctor again today. I've lost 6lbs since starting the metformin. This is a HUGE step for me since I was unable to lose weight at all after stopping birth control, and had in fact gained a fair amount. It makes me feel good to know that things are falling into place.

Now this is how I've been feeling.

1. Tired ... but not to the point of exhaustion. I slept for almost 12 hours on Saturday night/Sunday morning. That is unheard of for me. I'm usually up by 8 on the weekends, and I didn't wake up for good until 11am. (see number 2)

2. Bathroom breaks are kind of annoying. I'm bloated and so I've been drinking a lot of water. So I'm in the bathroom a bit more regularly. I usually sleep though the night, but as of the last week, I've been waking up once a night.

3. Zero appetite. Nothing sounds good and I've been drinking water instead of eating. It's after 8pm, I had a session with my personal trainer earlier and all I've eaten today was an apple and 2 spring rolls, and about 6 chunks of chicken from PF Changs. I know I need to eat something, but I just CAN'T.

4. I was nauseous most of yesterday from about 4pm until around 4am. I slept almost sitting up when I could sleep and spent an hour in the bathroom thinking I was going to lose what little I ate. Come on now, this isn't supposed to be like this at 10dpo, is it?! Even if I am pregnant. But whatever it is, I don't like it one bit! But like it or not, I have been a bit quesy for the better part of today as well. I think this contributes to number 3 above.

Well, so there you have it. I am crazy, I think. I can't test until Saturday at the earliest, and I may just wait until cd35 and if AF hasn't arrived by then, it's onto another cycle of provera for me.

Have a great week!

Feeling nostalgic

Ten months of marriage - it's hard to believe that it's been that long already. We spent nearly 18 months planning the wedding day, and those months seemed to drag on for 18 years. Then the day came and went in the blink of an eye, and I thank the stars that we hired a videographer because I barely remember it.

I had an awesome coffee date with my friend (who became my friend during the wedding planning process because we hired her as our photographer), and she gave us a DVD slideshow of all our engagement and wedding pictures set to music. We watched it last night and I think that's why I'm feeling maybe overly nostalgic this morning. But anyway ... I'll talk more about our wedding in a couple months with a special first anniversary post!

I've been a little moody the last few days and I do feel bad about it since the husband receives the brunt of my frustrations. I just can't help it.... the mood swings are new to me since I never had such crazy emotions before I stopped the birth control pills. I've GOT to learn to control the inner witch! AF is visiting (thank you Provera), so I'm sure that's a major contributing factor. I went yesterday for CD3 bloodwork, which I'm hoping shows everything as normal, since I've been taking my metformin like a good girl :) Time will tell.

One way or another, this is a new cycle and a new chance. I'm not temping anymore, which means that I'm sleeping better and I just feel more relaxed. I've never actually ovulated, anyway, so all those 5 months of temping were really quite useless in retrospect. I find that I was a little too obsessed with the TTC thing ... so, while we are definitely still trying, I'm not going to be all-consumed by every aspect anymore. I'll still track my CM (that's easy enough to do) but that's it. I figure, as long as we're having a lot of sexy time that'll cover us - if I do actually ovulate.

In the meantime, we're looking forward to the rest of the summer, our fall vacation to Virginia Beach, my 30th birthday and our first anniversary!

Mini-Vacation!

The hubby and I are going camping this weekend, leaving tomorrow morning.

I'm very excited because we really need a break. Granted, camping without running water in a tent, on property in the middle of nowhere (anyone heard of Brethren, MI??? no, I didn't think so!) with 10 other adults and 10 kids isn't exactly the lazy vacation I would rather have ... but it'll do for now.

Now, everyone knows that as adults camping and drinking and junk food all go together. I cannot have junk food (well, sugar) or alcohol right now because of the meds, so I guess I'll be hanging with the kiddos a lot, which is fine. 7 little girls and 3 little boys ... I used to be a summer camp counselor in college, so that's right up my alley. Maybe the other adults will laugh at me, but I don't care! HAHA I'm going to make the most of it and have a good time!

Plus - the best part - we're driving right by that amazing outlet mall on the way up north! It has a COACH outlet, and I have a 20% off coupon for the outlet store. I see a new handbag in my very near future!!!!!

Have a great weekend, and I'll try to remember to take some pictures to post when I get home!

Firewife Frustrations

Jealosy maybe.

I'm sitting at work, having lunch. Well, trying to eat as much lunch as my nauseous stomach will allow (stupid metformin, I hate you right now).

My husband called to tell me he was on his way to our favorite bar/restaurant with all the guys from his shift, since they're off today. He made sure to mention the delicious chicken sandwich he plans to eat. I'm eating a microwave bowl of clam chowder. Not that I begrudge him for going out with his friends or anything ... I'm just annoyed that he's able to do so. I work long days at my office, anywhere from 8.5-10.5 hours depending on how ambitious I am that day. I come home exhausted but somehow still manage to drag my lazy self to the gym to get a workout in before heading home for the night. My adorable, firefighter husband is home a lot. He works 3 24hr shifts every 9 day cycle. Three of his off days are coming off shift, 3 of them are totally at home. He does get up and make the coffee for me before I go to work, but then he's able to go back to bed. He spends a great deal of most days lounging at home with our little furkids, and lately playing with his newest obsession - Farm Town. A great game (I love it too) ... but when our nightly conversation includes what crops we planted/harvested or what new animals we got ... well, that's just a little weird. But that's another story. So yeah, he's home a lot. To give him credit, he does the laundry and makes dinner most nights so I don't have to when I come home from the gym. I appreciate it, I really do. I guess it's just little green jealosy showing its ugly head when I think about the fact that he can sleep, play games and go out to lunch during the week while I'm stuck in a windowless government office. The worst though, are the days he comes home from a shift .... I know he's tired. He has a very strenuous job. He'll come home around 8:45ish in the morning and take a "nap". Half the time, when I come home at 5:30pm, he's STILL asleep, during which time his sugar has dropped and he needs food an hour ago. That's when I get annoyed.

So yeah, I thought about it today because I'm not feeling good with the new meds and didn't sleep well at all last night, my lunch is not at all fulfilling and he's out on this gorgeous sunny afternoon drinking beers at the bar.

Oh well, I'm going to the mall after work because I have a bachelorette party to attend tomorrow night and I need a new outfit. Thank goodness it's not only Friday - it's PAYDAY!

I feel ... interesting.

BFN yesterday morning, but I expected that so it's okay this time, surprisingly.

I brought the hubby to my follow-up doctor appointment yesterday ... good thing, since he remembered some of the questions I might have forgotten had I gone alone. :) The doctor was thorough in his explanations and the plan of action we'll now take.

First ... must get a new cycle going. I have to take Provera again for that, but I'm waiting a few days to start it because otherwise I'll have a visit from AF while we're up north camping for 4 days (think ROUGH camping - no running water) and that's no ideal situation when AF is around! A few more days isn't going to hurt anything at this point.

Second ... I started taking metformin yesterday; half dose for 2 weeks before graduating to the full dose after that. This should help balance my hormones and help me lose some weight that I gained after coming off the birth control (it was OUT OF CONTROL!) ... I have already been on an eating plan of about 1400cal/day with 4-6 workouts a week (2 with a personal trainer) but I was still gaining wait, with little explanation. I took off 60 lbs 3 years ago (but I was on birth control then which is why the doctor thinks I lost it relatively easily back then). We'll see. At this point, I'm willing to try anything.

The doctor believes that once the hormones are balanced from the metformin and a reduction in my weight that I might start ovulating on my own (!!!!!) and may not need any other meds to get pregnant, but if I'm not pregnant within the next 4 months, then we will be trying Clomid.

And third ... since I'm not predictibly ovulating right now, I've decided to stop temping. It stresses me out when I see the perpetual inconsistancy in my temps and just gets me down that I'm not really functioning properly. Yeah, I know. Not temping is a bad idea in general. Maybe I'll start again at some point, but for now I'm only going to chart CM and other symptoms. It's better this way, at least I think it's going to be better this way. If it gets to the point of Clomid, I'll start temping again.

My one sadness in all of this - NO SWEETS at all with the metformin. No white flour either, which means no pasta. And let me tell you, for an Italian girl, this might be the end of me.

Have a great day!

My business has been nominated!!

Many of you know that in January 2008, I started a business with a friend of mine. We busted through the door of wedding planning and coordination to find great success. We absolutely love what we do, and obviously it shows.

Bella Tesora Events, LLC has been nominated for the 2nd year in a row for the WDIV 4 The Best contest and is currently in 5th place! I'm amazed and excited by the outstanding support of our clients and friends.

If you would like to vote for us (and you can vote with each email address you have!) please click here and show your support. Please spread the word!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

I don't know if I should be sad or mad?

WTF, PCOS. I'm kind of convinced it's partially caused by the fact that I was on BCP's since my cycles were pretty much normal when I was younger. Maybe it's my family history of diabetes (apparently, it can become PCOS in women in their 20's and 30's instead of actual diabetes). Lovely. Thanks genetics, I really appreciate you.

Just a bump in the road, someone told me (I'd really rather have a baby bump, thanks) .... and a treatable one at that, so I know I shouldn't be overly upset. Lots of women who have this condition can (and do) get pregnant so I shouldn't get down on myself, but nevertheless, I didn't expect to hear that when the OB's office called me this morning. "Your ultrasound was very normal, BUT there are some small cysts on your ovaries consistant with the PCOS that you and Dr. L discussed at your last appointment, and you will discuss treatment options at your appointment next week."

It just seems so unreal. I don't have symptoms of this condition ... except for these ultrasound results. My bloodwork back in early May was NORMAL. I don't know whether I want to go cry in a corner or punch something.

The plan of the moment:

Follow up appointment on Monday, July 6.

Take HPT that morning, just to be sure.

Start Provera again that night (assuming neither AF has shown nor BFP - either of which would be great at this point).

At least it's a plan.

Well, I have an empty ute.

I got to experience my first ultrasound yesterday. They did an internal and external.

It was so sad to look at my empty ute on the monitor ... not precisely how I'd envisioned my first ultrasound, let me tell you. I was expecting it though since I'd taken another HPT yesterday morning for another BFN. I must have stared at that thing for a solid 10min just willing a second line to show up ... ah well, such is the way of it. I've only been off BCP since March 5.

The ultrasound itself was weird because it was all black and white for my right ovary and my uterus ... she got to my left ovary and the screen exploded in red and orange and yellow. Of course, the tech can't answer any questions so I won't know what the heck was going on there until the doctor calls me sometime this week. Let me tell you, I'm a little freaked out about it .... I mean, I was pretty sure I was having ovulation pains on the left this cycle, and that I'd ovulated ... but who knows. I am still experiencing many of the symptoms I was before. Headaches, some fireworks, cramping, fatigue and thirst. Soooo, since I'm not pregnant and AF doesn't appear to be anywhere near ... WHAT IS GOING ON???????

I decided to wait and hear from the doctor before I start another round of progesterone. I want to know what's going on in there before I resort to meds again.

My husband is amazing through all this ... because he knows I'm stressed about it (even though I shouldn't be; it's early in the process yet) but what's cool is that his whole fire department is rooting for us as well. It really continues to resonate that the fire department is another extended family to us. They are some really wonderful people.

Some updates...

Well, I took a pregnancy test on Wednesday. BFN. Seriously made for a crummy day, but I really do think that my O date was wrong, so I went ahead and put in some new information into my chart to show the date that was more likely correct, basically making the test I took on Wednesday too early (at only 10dpo). At least that's what I'm hoping anyway.

Some changes in how I've been feeling:
1. I'm still quite tired most of the time (moreso in the midday and by about 9pm) but I've been waking up easier in the mornings.

2. The 4th of July celebration in my breasts is gone. I had a reduction surgery 2 years ago, so it's highly unlikely that I will ever produce milk, so some of that "pain" was probably from hormone changes (whether AF is coming or I'm pregnant). I still have a few flashes of fireworks here and there each day, but not nearly as constant.

3. Mild cramping (AF style) for the last 3 days or so.

4. Holy bloated. ICK.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday to check my ovaries to see if I am actually ovulating. My temperature charting is probably relatively inaccurate because I don't sleep all that well most of the time and my husband likes it cold in the house. And being that we are (and always will be) a fire family ... he's gone for 24 hour shifts and that changes the temperature in the bedroom, the times we actually go to bed/wake up ... just everything. I'll update again after that appointment. I'll also be taking another HPT Monday morning before the appointment.

Then, if it's another BFN and depending on what they find at the ultrasound, I have to start the Provera again to bring on AF. That will be followed by bloodwork on CD3 and probably even more testing. They are checking me for PCOS, even though I don't really exhibit any other symptoms of that condition. I'm praying that it isn't the case though, and that I'm maybe still adjusting from being on BCP.

I hate the waiting game.

Have a great weekend, and thanks for reading :)

Finding it hard to resist...

I want to pee. On a pregnancy test. Like, right now.

Fertility Friend keeps changing my crosshairs, so I really don't know when/if I actually ovulated, but for the record, I have so many phantom symptoms that I am starting to think the earlier of the dates may have been correct. Or maybe I'm just crazy since I want it so badly.

What are my phantom symptoms, you ask? Okay, I'll tell you ...

I might be getting sick or even expecting AF, but regardless ... this is how I've been feeling.

1. Extreme thirst. All the time. And I have a funny taste in my mouth if I'm not consuming a beverage.

2. Fireworks in my breasts. It got pretty bad today, but it's been off and on for a few days now.

3. Cramping. Mild and not consistant. Mostly on the left side. And some bloating

4. Fatigue. I am falling asleep by mid afternoon most days, and although I am able to function, my eyes are burning and I feel weak in general.

So yeah, there you have it. The reasons why I want to pee. I'm going to buy a pack of HPT's tomorrow. I am going to try to wait until next weekend, but somehow, I don't think I'll make it that long. If you check out the link to my chart above, you will see how it's kind of misleading. My original ovulation date was predicted at cycle day 14, but it moved yesterday to cycle day 22. What do you think?? And when do you think I should test? Leave me a comment and let me know!!

Have a great weekend!

Hockey and a houseguest

We have a houseguest this week, the hubby's friend from VA Beach Fire Dept. Great guy, really nice ... but he has taken over the spare bathroom ... which is where I keep my hair products and makeup. I was SO irritated this morning and it wouldn't ordinarily bug me. I know, I know! I should have gone in there last night and gotten what I need and put it in our master bath. OH, but the hubs was in that bathroom shaving etc. Yeah .... 6am hotspot for getting ready for work at our house today! So today, my hair is in a bun and I'm makeup free.

Having a houseguest who is also in the fire service does have it's good side though ... he, like my husband, can COOK. And, because we have "company" we are actually eating decent meals at home (which by default means I get decent lunches for work too - I love leftovers). We had marinated, grilled chicken and asparagus on Monday night, coney dogs and sweet potato fries yesterday and who knows what for the rest of the week, but YUM is all I say about that.

The guys are teaching an FEO class (fire engine operator i.e. driver/pump operator for those who don't know) at the local college this week. So they teach during the day, head to the bar for a quick drink after, home for dinner and oh yes, it's hockey playoff season ... so that means more beer and late nights in front of the tv at our house. I, on the other hand, try to go to bed by 10 - which is hard when they are drinking beer and shouting at the tv!

Firemen sure can drink a LOT of beer! Two men, 3 days so far and already 3 12-packs GONE! We should buy stock in Michelob Ultra, I think.

A Visit to the OB!

I am so glad that I have found an OB who is proactive.

After my last cycle, which lasted 68 days and was ended with progesterone supplements, I am very excited that after my appointment today we have a definite plan of action.

I am to test at cd35 if no AF ... but I'm probably going to test at 18dpo, which will be cd33 ... and if it's a BFN I'm to start Provera again. I hate taking hormone supplements, but if this is what it takes, then I'll try it again. He scheduled me an ultrasound for 2 weeks from today, just to rule out PCOS (and I'm crossing my fingers that it IS ruled out). From there, hopefully we'll have AF starting from the Provera (or of course, a BFP this cycle - though I'm not overly hopeful for that). I'll also have to have bloodwork done again on cd3 of the next cycle.

Anyway, I've heard that many doctors make you wait a year of trying before they do any testing, so I'm grateful that my doctor isn't like that! Maybe the fact that I'll be 30 in a few months and Aron is 36 comes into play ... I don't know, but I am glad that I'll be getting some results.

All things considered now, I wish I'd stopped the BCP's a year ago. If only I'd known about charting and such way back when, maybe I'd have never started them in the first place. Oh well ... live and learn, I guess!

Baby Shoe Giveaway!

Okay, so this is pretty shameless in attempt to win for myself, but nonetheless ...

I have a friend who has a fabulous website (read it, it's great!) and she's doing a giveaway right now for some adorable baby shoes ... and since I know some of you are also baby-minded lately, I figured I'd share the info:

Clicky here for Kitchen Stewardship's Baby Shoe Giveaway!

Have a great day everyone!

This week's gonna be great!

I'm being as optimistic as I can!

I have a 4 day work-week ... I'm off tomorrow (thank goodness!) That will at least make the weekend come faster. And work's been okay the last couple of weeks. I mean, I hate it and I've sent my resume all sorts of places ... but I don't expect any changes in the near future. It would be nice to win the lotto about now.

In fact, winning the lotto was our topic of conversation at breakfast this morning. Aron and I have a tradition that we go out to breakfast together once a week, usually on Sundays (except when he's at the fire station ... and those weeks, we'll go on Saturday or Monday if I'm off). Anyway, so today we got to talking about lotto winnings and what we would do if we won - knowing of course that you actually have to play to win, which we don't - and it made for decent conversation over egg beater omlets and coffee. We decided that if we won, he'd keep his job at the fire station for health insurance purposes and we'd pay people to work for him so he would end up only putting in 5-6 shifts a month, and never on weekends. We'd pay off our condo and either rent it out or donate it. We'd buy a nice house, no different than what we're already planning to eventually buy anyway ... but it would be top of the line everything inside. So we're talking about 2500 sqft ranch with a full finished basement in a nice area with a decent piece of property. We'd have my dad and uncle build it for us and it would be everything we dream about! I wouldn't work except for some tutoring and the occasional wedding (like I do now in addition to my full time work) and otherwise just be a SAHM. It would be so nice! We'd also replace both cars, but nothing fancy there either ... we'd get a Jeep Grand Cherokee to replace the Liberty and a Dodge Journey (I love that car!!!) to replace the PT Cruiser. We'd get the best possible editions of the cars we could. We would set up college funds for our kids and invest the rest appropriately. It's so nice to dream. Regardless, these are all things we hope to do anyway - with slight variation - sell the condo, buy a nice home, replace our cars and set up college funds for our children. But to not have to worry about where the money will come from - THAT would be beautiful.

And now, Aron's gone to the airport to pick up our friend Matt (VA Beach FD) who's staying with us for a week so he and Aron can teach an FEO (fire engine operator - driver) academy to some guys from Warren FD. We're all going out tonight to the local fireman's bar, so it should be good times! I always look forward to Matt being in town because he is Aron's BFF (though guys will rarely admit such things) and I love seeing them hang out ... it's like old times. They used to work in PH together, until Matt and his brother Tim applied and both got hired in VA Beach a year and a half ago. We only get together about 4 times a year now, so it's sad - but it makes it something to look forward to. We're heading down to VA in October to celebrate my 30th birthday (god, I'm getting old!) and our 1st anniversary. We'll be staying for a week in a beach house right on the canal and only 1 block off the ocean! I'm SO looking forward to it!

Finally, in baby news, I've got an OB appointment tomorrow morning. I'm 8dpo today and I've been having all kinds of phantom symptoms ... sore boobs, cramping, bloated, a little bit of nausea, headaches and I'm VERY tired. All of which could mean AF is coming too, so I'm not getting my hopes up. I wonder if they can do a blood test tomorrow at 9dpo and have it read successfully? Probably not, but oh how cool would that be?! In reality though, my temps are too low, I don't think I am producing enough progesterone on my own yet to sustain a pregnancy, even if we did by some miracle conceive this cycle. I hope the doctor can give me some answers, now that we're in our 4th month of TTC.

Hope everyone's doing well :)

Oily Skin + Breakouts = Hatred.

Really, I'm far beyond my teenage years (during which I had remarkably clear and beautiful skin) so I'm more than frustrated at the current state of affairs related to my face. I've always been a normal to quite dry sort of girl, so as of late I have been cleansing my face 3 times a day with Neutragena acne treatments - but this means that I am also doing this at lunch in the skeevy work bathroom. Which also means I can't wear makeup since I just don't have time to put it back on. BUT, I can literally feel the film on my face right now and it's annoying the hell out of me!!!! Luckily, the pimples themselves are scarce, but the oil, OH the OIL. I just can't deal and it makes me almost cry. (I'm not even going to go into the emotions in this post)

Does anyone know a good remedy for that?? Something I can use instead of washing my face in the middle of the day at work - because let's face it - that's not really something I enjoy.

This happened to me last cycle too, while I was taking the progesterone supplements, which leads me to believe that this oil debacle is related somehow to the introduction of progesterone into my system. Except that I'm not sure if I'm even producing progesterone on my own yet. Stupid residual birth control side effects.

So yeah ... hit me with your oily skin remedies, please!!

Trouble Sleeping.

I really would like to know why I'm having trouble sleeping. I have open circles on my chart two days in a row. Yes, the last two mornings ... and I'm assuming that if the progesterone has made me "normal" that I might be ovulating soon. But I can't accurately know if I'm not consistantly getting 3 hours of sleep before waking.

Monday night it was because we were in a hotel and I kept hearing strange sounds that weren't like home and would startle myself awake. Last night was thunderstorms, then cats rumbling under the bed, then the hubby getting up to get a glass of water, then more rain sounds and then it was my 6am alarm indicating that I needed to take my temperature and get up for work. UGH. And things were going so well this cycle with the temps until the last couple days. Oh well ... hopefully it will even out.

OH CRAP. But I forgot. My husband is a firefighter and he leaves for a 24 hour shift tomorrow morning. Home Friday/Friday night. Then he leaves on Saturday morning and doesn't come home until Tuesday morning. So he'll be gone on my CD12, 14-16. :( I hope our timing works out sometime in the next few months.

I hate my job.

I realize that in the Michigan economy, having a job at all is a blessing. So don't get me wrong ... I'm glad that I have a job, but I hate it. I've hated it from the day I started and it makes me sick to my stomach whenever I pull into the parking lot. I live for weekends. If I could afford to quit and look for a new job, I would without a second glance. But I can't do that, not to mention the fact that there simply aren't any jobs to be had in this area right now (and especially not ones with a comparable salary).

Most of the people that I work with don't have outside friends (they are friends with each other - I'm not) or interests outside of work. Most of them have worked there since they got out of high school and never went to college. I have a Master's Degree. Most of them are in their 50's or older. I'm 29. I was 23 when I got hired and since being hired, I've gotten my MA, met my husband, got engaged and married and now we're trying to start a family. My coworkers are grandparents. I have a ton of outside interests and friends that I see after work and on weekends.

I had a meeting with one of my bosses the other day at work and she basically said that since most of my coworkers go in on Saturday mornings from 7am-noon and stay til 5:30pm during the week that I should "seriously consider" doing the same. And that I should also make a point to come in on my Mondays off (I work 7am-4:30pm - 9.5hrs - so that I can have every other Monday off). If I worked the extra hours though, there is no extra overtime pay. They would give me comp time to have time off later. Except that I wouldn't have any time to take off since I'd basically be living at work. My boss said that she knows I have a life outside of work, but that I should really make work my #1 priority above my family and friends. I just looked at her like she was crazy. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I fell into this job after I finished a year-long internship as a high school teacher. There weren't any teaching jobs available and I was offered this position. I figured it would be short-term and that I would get a teaching job within the first year or two. That never happened and I really feel stuck. My teaching certificate expires next month and I know that there really aren't any schools that are hiring teachers right now anyway. But I don't know where else to look.

And the other problem is that the husband and I hope to have a baby in 2010. We want to be pregnant soon. How do I potentially search for a new job with the prospect of having a baby? It just really stinks and I am just so upset about it. It makes me want to scream, cry and punch something (or someone, namely my bosses). I am not lazy, I work like crazy! I have a part time job after work, tutoring college students in French. I also own a business for event planning, though that has taken more of a backseat lately with everything else going on.

UGH. It's just so frustrating. Thanks for reading this gripe session.

I love you, Grandpa Mario.

My grandpa passed away around 3:30am today.

He's been sick for the last couple of years, but when I heard that he had to be admitted to the hospital on Saturday evening, I just figured it was par for the course .... he's been in and out of the hospital a lot. So I didn't even make it to visiting hours. (I was planning to go today since it's my day off from work)

My stomach hurts and it is just one of the worst feelings ever. Thank god Aron is on his way home from the station now. I don't feel like being alone today.

Trying to conceive.

Yes, that's right. The hubs and I are wishing and hoping for a little FireBaby to join our family. What a nightmare it's proving to be. Not that I have much room to talk; I know there are plenty of couples out there who have a hard time, much harder than I can talk about only a little over 2 months into it. But that doesn't really make it any less frustrating for me.

I was on hormonal birth control pills for years and years. I lost track of how long it was exactly, but it's been a long time. I heard from some people that it takes 3-6 months to regulate, and from others that it could be even longer. But then I heard from several people who were able to get pregnant right away, the first month after stopping their pills. So I figured it wouldn't be too bad for me. Oh to have known what I know now back before I went on the pills in the first place - I never would have started.

I stopped taking my pills on March 5. So I'm now into month 3 of no birth control. I have not had a visit from AF yet (and I'm not pregnant as both home and blood tests have proven) and all my hormone levels are within the normal range. So as of last night, I have to take a hormone supplement for 10 days in order to hopefully get AF to show her wicked face. I really hope it works because it was the last thing I wanted to have to do (take more hormones, that is).

Since stopping my pills, I have acquired a bad case of oily skin and acne like never before in my life - it's the worst ever for someone who never had this growing up!! I've also gained weight (I thought you were supposed to lose weight when coming off those pills???) and had bad headaches and random cramps and other bathroom issues that don't really need to be discussed here. Suffice it to say that it's been a rough couple of months.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this little 10 day hormone therapy will get me where I need to be, and that things regulate and my body learns that it is, after all, a fertile almost-30 year old woman!!

I have a follow up with the OB on June 8. I'm sure it's not possible, but how fab would it be if we miraculously had a BFP before then?!? Ahhh. A girl can hope for miracles, right :)

Lucky for me ... the hubby doesn't really seem to notice the weight fluctuation or the acne, and regularly tells me I'm beautiful no matter what. He really is amazing! <3 <3 <3

Sometimes a girl gets lonely...

96 hour shifts suck. Period. I miss my husband. So I sit and stare at this picture (isn't he so handsome?!):

He doesn't work long shifts like this very often, thankfully. I can't wait for him to get home tonight! On a regular 96 he wouldn't be home until tomorrow morning, but he's coming home "early" and should be home around 11:30pm! YAY!

Adjusting to being busy again...

We're home from our vacation (which was totally amazing and post-worthy, but I'm lazy so check out the pics on FB!)... and it's back work for both of us.

Tuesday was the hubby's first day back to the fire station in a month, meaning it was my first night sleeping alone in a month. I HATE the first day. I slept terribly, woke up grouchy and was not very pleasant at work all day Wednesday as a result. Which meant I wasn't the most pleasant wife when I got home from work either. And he was tired and grouchy too, from being up all night on Tuesday.

We're definitely not a pile of fun at the beginning of a new cycle of work.

Okay so now he's got one more shift (tomorrow) in this cycle. Except from now until the beginning of May he's going to be teaching the fire academy classes at the college every Tuesday/Thursday night (if he's off duty) and all day every off-duty Saturday. I was suddenly struck with the realization that for the next almost two months, we aren't going to see each other much at all. The extra funds in the bank account will be nice, but I'm telling you .... it gets a little lonely.

Today I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep well (alone) again last night. The cats were all up in my business all night and when that 6am alarm goes off it's no fun. But exhaustion or not, it's Friday night and I'm going to try to have a nice romantic evening with the hubby. Unless we fall asleep again at 10pm on the couch.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Honeymoon!

I'm sitting here, with my computer in my lap ... trying to avoid packing just a little bit longer. I hate packing, even when it means we're going on vacation. And not just any vacation ... our HONEYMOON! Five months after the wedding (in fact, tomorrow is Aron's birthday AND our 5 month anniversary), and we're finally taking the relaxing vacation I've been longing for.

We are traveling all day tomorrow, leaving Detroit around noon and arriving in San Juan, Puerto Rico around 11pm. We'll have all day Saturday in San Juan and then the cruise departs on Sunday.

Our cruise destinations:
Puerto Rico
Curacao
Aruba
St Thomas
St Maarten

It should be a fantastic time, and I'll post pictures when we get back on March 9! Have a great week!!

A word on moustaches...

I don't like moustaches. Something about them makes me cringe ... but anyway, the guys at the fire station got wind of my dislike of facial hair and formed this:

http://apps.facebook.com/causes/216934

The Gravy Moustache Foundation. Gravy, of course, is my husband's nickname at work. And back in the days before he knew me, he had a huge bushy moustache. In fact, that picture on the cause's website ... that's my husband, several pounds heavier (almost 100) and with a bushy moustache.

So all the guys think that Aron should grow the stache back. I say no.... one, he's completely grey now, so a big bushy grey moustache would make him look so much older than his 36 years (well, he'll be 36 on his birthday tomorrow - close enough!); and two, it would remind me of my dad/grandpa/uncles ... none of which is a good thing in the bedroom. So I told him that if he doesn't shave, I don't shave. We'll see.

Ultimately, if they all want to grow a stache for a month together, I think it's kind of cute. A brotherhood thing, I guess. But that doesn't mean I have to like or support it, right?

Married to a Profession

Sometimes I envy my friends whose husbands work 9-5 jobs. The ones whose husbands are home every night, except for maybe the occasional business trip. Sometimes. But most of the time I'm grateful for the often hectic schedule of a life that my husband and I live. Most people wouldn't understand it. My husband works 24 hour shifts, 3 times a week ... and more if he gets held over for overtime (which is fabulous money; how could we refuse?!).



But why say that I married a profession, in additon to the man of my dreams? Because the profession is more than a job to those in the fire service. It's a way of life....a different way of life than that of my friends whose husbands work 9-5. My husband has 16 weekends off a year. Yes, 16 out of 52. So when he has a rare Saturday off, I like to spend it with him. A lot of people in our lives that are outside of the profession don't understand that and get angry if I turn down an invite to a girls' night, etc. I wish they would try harder to understand our life ... my life ... as the wife of a firefighter.

Maybe this blog will help. Maybe not ... but it's a place for me to ramble on about the day to day life that I lead.