Another new cycle.

I went in for what I assumed to be my 7dpo (or thereabouts) ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday, 5/21, which was CD 26 of my cycle.

I did not ovulate. There is no possible chance of ovulating this cycle. Sorry, dear, the meds just didn't work this time. Gee, thanks.

I had taken the lowest dose of the mystery drug possible (so it was either 50mg of Clomid or 2.5mg of Femara).

My lining was at 5 and I had no measurable follies (despite having "lots of good follies" at my previous check - where the hell did they all go??? Oh yeah, they become more PCOS cysts).

Because my lining was good, they told me that Saturday would become CD 3 of my next cycle - without ever having AF. Not that I'm going to complain about not having a visit from AF, but this gave me literally no time to relax and move on from the failed cycle. Not to mention no break from the forced, every-other-day sexcapade we have been on.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and sex is a good thing ... but when we don't have a choice in the matter, it starts to become blah. I'm sure anyone going through treatments and forced TI can relate.

I found all this out on Friday ... after one of the craziest weeks of fertile people at work ever. Two of my coworkers had babies this past week, and two others announced pregnancies. So in the middle of the staff meeting on Thursday (right after the pregnancy announcements), my coworker said "WOW, we have such a fertile office! Hey, Mrs. FEO, when are you going to be announcing your news?" ... I spent the next few hours at my desk trying to concentrate on everything BUT that ... when all I really wanted to do was just sob and sob and sob. And then I get the text that my other pregnant friend gave birth to her baby minutes after the staff meeting.

And now I'm on CD 4 (I still can't get over the fact that this is a new cycle) and will take my second dose of mystery pills tonight. I'm taking double what I took last cycle. (100mg Clomid or 5mg Femara).

Based on my s/e, I' pretty sure it's Femara ... no real mood swings or headaches like I experienced with Clomid when I took it in December, and all it does is make me seriously exhausted.

I feel like a broken excuse for a woman, and I don't like that. Sometimes I'm temped to just go back on BCP's and say forget it. But damn, I want to be a mom. I want to experience pregnancy. I wonder all the time why this happened to me. I wish I'd never gone on birth control. I want to blame the BCP's. I want to be NORMAL. I want to have sex and get pregnant. I don't want to give 5+ vials of blood every 3 weeks. I don't want to have ultrasounds 3x/month.

I'm scared that the pills alone aren't going to work and I worry that we won't be able to afford future treatments outside of the study.

I just want to F'ing OVULATE ONE TIME so that I know I can do it. That's all I'm asking right now. Please?!?