Another new cycle.

I went in for what I assumed to be my 7dpo (or thereabouts) ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday, 5/21, which was CD 26 of my cycle.

I did not ovulate. There is no possible chance of ovulating this cycle. Sorry, dear, the meds just didn't work this time. Gee, thanks.

I had taken the lowest dose of the mystery drug possible (so it was either 50mg of Clomid or 2.5mg of Femara).

My lining was at 5 and I had no measurable follies (despite having "lots of good follies" at my previous check - where the hell did they all go??? Oh yeah, they become more PCOS cysts).

Because my lining was good, they told me that Saturday would become CD 3 of my next cycle - without ever having AF. Not that I'm going to complain about not having a visit from AF, but this gave me literally no time to relax and move on from the failed cycle. Not to mention no break from the forced, every-other-day sexcapade we have been on.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and sex is a good thing ... but when we don't have a choice in the matter, it starts to become blah. I'm sure anyone going through treatments and forced TI can relate.

I found all this out on Friday ... after one of the craziest weeks of fertile people at work ever. Two of my coworkers had babies this past week, and two others announced pregnancies. So in the middle of the staff meeting on Thursday (right after the pregnancy announcements), my coworker said "WOW, we have such a fertile office! Hey, Mrs. FEO, when are you going to be announcing your news?" ... I spent the next few hours at my desk trying to concentrate on everything BUT that ... when all I really wanted to do was just sob and sob and sob. And then I get the text that my other pregnant friend gave birth to her baby minutes after the staff meeting.

And now I'm on CD 4 (I still can't get over the fact that this is a new cycle) and will take my second dose of mystery pills tonight. I'm taking double what I took last cycle. (100mg Clomid or 5mg Femara).

Based on my s/e, I' pretty sure it's Femara ... no real mood swings or headaches like I experienced with Clomid when I took it in December, and all it does is make me seriously exhausted.

I feel like a broken excuse for a woman, and I don't like that. Sometimes I'm temped to just go back on BCP's and say forget it. But damn, I want to be a mom. I want to experience pregnancy. I wonder all the time why this happened to me. I wish I'd never gone on birth control. I want to blame the BCP's. I want to be NORMAL. I want to have sex and get pregnant. I don't want to give 5+ vials of blood every 3 weeks. I don't want to have ultrasounds 3x/month.

I'm scared that the pills alone aren't going to work and I worry that we won't be able to afford future treatments outside of the study.

I just want to F'ing OVULATE ONE TIME so that I know I can do it. That's all I'm asking right now. Please?!?

How is this even a little bit ok?

Mr. FEO works for a busy fire department. Not quite the D, but close enough in regards to the amount of fires they get and the type of clientele they service.

He is the officer in charge of one of the engine companies. He has been with this department since 1996. (I tease him about this because I was still in high school at that time - bad wifey! LOL)

The engine company he currently works on - which used to have 2 firefighters, one driver and one officer - is now diminished to one firefighter (who has to drive) and one officer (Mr. FEO).

Mr. FEO had to pull hose into a burning dwelling ALONE last week, while the firefighter ran the pump. It took the other engine companies (from across town) over 5min longer to get there. I realize it wasn't a super long time to be alone in a fire, but any amount of time alone in a burning building is too much if you ask me.

I hate the fact that Mr. FEO and the rest of his department took 14% paycuts last year to prevent layoffs, AND they didn't replace those who left due to injury or retirement. I don't think it's fair that he does one of the most dangerous jobs and continues to receive less and less in return, especially since if the new budget doesn't pass they are going to have to lay off the guys they saved last year with the paycut.

It scares the living daylights out of me that he is being required to do things like this, and who knows how often? I'm sure he doesn't tell me everything because he doesn't want me to worry.

I just don't think it's right and I wish there was something to be done.

If I worried about him when he was at work before, this worry has quadrupled now. Hug your significant others and tell them you love them every chance you get! You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Praying for O.

Well, let me say this. I'm on CD 17.

This means that IF I'm going to ovulate this cycle, it is going to happen sometime this week. Whether it already has or not is a mystery for now.

Timed sex sucks in general, because you really get no say in the matter. It doesn't matter if you're too tired, not feeling well or just plain not in the mood - you HAVE to do the deed. And then write it down in a journal to give to the study coordinator. But one benefit of it is that I'm guaranteed to get some ... looking at the bright side. I do feel bad for Mr. FEO though since he is beginning to feel like a sperm bank. But for his bright side, he gets some too!! :)

But like a good friend told me yesterday, the end result will be totally worth the headaches and the hassles. She always has a way to cheer me up!! <3 She knows who she is <3

I did have some possible O pains yesterday (well, I could feel some stabby twinges in the general vicinity of my left ovary), so it's entirely possible that my mystery pills are working. And really, even if we don't conceive our miracle this cycle, I'll be happy just to see that I O'd.

I'll certainly be better about keeping this updated as things progress.

Also, I'm considering reopening this to a public blog? Thoughts????

Have a great day, my friends!!

A poem

Someone I know posted this poem today, and while I don't know the origin or the author, I thought it was fitting, and I wanted to share.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.I will notice everything about my child.I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

A PCOS Study.

Well, my friends, I am a research guinea pig!

Today I was poked and prodded in ways I've never before experienced.

I had a balloon inserted into my uterus, inflated, and had a saline solution that felt like liquid fire flushed through to make certain my tubes were open (and they are). It felt like 10 years, but really I think it was about 10 minutes, including the ultrasound - during which the balloon was inflated. I have over 30 cysts on each ovary. I almost started crying. I didn't want to hear that. Then they said these were not problematic cysts, just proof of my PCOS, so I felt a little better.

I had 10 vials of blood taken from me on an empty stomach that had been fasting since about 7pm yesterday.

I almost passed out from the blood draw (the whole hearing became muffled, I felt dizzy and was seeing spots thing), but thankfully I had a protein bar in my purse and some gatorade in the car, so I was okay after that.

I had my annual pap and breast exam.

They checked my vitals (and my nervous, racing heart made my blood pressure look too high at 135/95).

I've been cramping all day - still feels like liquid fire. "it will feel like menstrual cramps" HAHA no, not at all.

I have to start provera again in about 10 days after my bloodwork and pap results come back. This will have been my shortest cycle yet.

I start the study meds on CD3 of the next cycle. Less than a month away now!

Holy cow, I could be pregnant in a month. Or at least sometime in the next 5 cycles!! It's been a long road, and with a lot of bumps and uncertainty. I hope that this study gives us the result we've been waiting for.

And if not, then I'm already under the care of a specialist, and we'll be moving on to injectible meds and IUI.

At least we have a path that we're happy with!!

Happy Monday!!

Provera is the DEVIL.

NFT.

Positive Moments

In the midst of my terrible hormone-induced headache, insatiable appetite and the intense desire to lay down under my desk and take a nap, I have decided to battle the worst side effect of side effects - bad moods and irritability - with 10 days of positive thinking.

Today is Day 3 of 10 days of provera ... I mean 10 days of positivity.

My positive moment of today is that I will be going to cycle class tonight at the gym for 60min of amazing cardio. I love how I feel when I leave that class, even when I feel like I might die during the ride. I'm also happy that Mr. FEO took a sick day today and will be home with me tonight! (he's not sick, just had a long day teaching yesterday).

Have a POSITIVE day, my friends!!